She announced her abortion via fbk
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
