life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
