Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Two words: blizzard sex
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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