we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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