So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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