I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
