i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
