yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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