I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
