my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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