I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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