im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
