Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ketchup is God's man juice
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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