Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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