the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
third nipple confirmed
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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