this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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