So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize