I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
