What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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