you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
