I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
