Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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