i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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