by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
