Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
