need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
