Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you had me at cake vodka
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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