its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
