Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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