im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
