my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
