The maid of honor just puked.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
