it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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