When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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