Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
