he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
