Swine flu is the new snow day.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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