Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize