i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize