His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Boobs speak an international language.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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