fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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