3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
