There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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