A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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