i think i recognize dicks better than faces
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
