You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Please don't give away my fajitas
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
