Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
