Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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