you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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