When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
