from now on my penis is your penis
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
