I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize