WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
