last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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