woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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