My Higher Power is John Stamos
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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